The Stages of Grief
How does experiencing grief actually feel? We've described grief as a complex set of physical, emotional and intellectual reactions to any kind of loss. Naturally, since each of us is unique, our reactions to loss (whether it's divorce, unemployment, ill health, foreclosure, or a death) are also very different from those of other people.
This page of our website discusse the five stages of loss and grief that people go through after losing a loved one.
The Five Stages of Grief
You've no doubt read about the grief process at some point in your life. And you may have also come in contact with various ideas about the stages of grief; one theory, developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969, breaks down the grieving process into five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, it's essential to realize that Ms. Kubler-Ross was writing about the grief experienced by the terminally ill; these five stages really only identify key emotional reactions to the experience of the dying.
Despite her narrow focus, this five stage model has been mistakenly applied to grieving in all areas of our lives; and despite this misuse, it's effectively guided thousands of people through their experience of grieving. Giving them a basic framework from which to view their grieving experience, the five stage model for grieving has been amended by some grief counselors, resulting in a grief process which includes:
Denial & Isolation
Each individual is different and may not necessarily experience the five stages in the order listed below. To go through the grieving process, you do not need to follow step by step. Rather you must use them as a guide to help you move forward. An important piece to remember regardless of what stage you are in is; As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life.
No one is prepared for grief. The rush of feelings, the thoughts, anxieties, and heartache can take us by surprise and drive us to our knees. Yet, when we choose to harness that power for self-growth, amazing things can happen. Good can come from pain.
Sigmund Freud first brought up the concept of grief work in 1917, and today the idea that bereavement is purpose-driven continues.
Dr. James Worden chose to see the work of bereavement as task-oriented:
To accept the reality of the loss
To process the pain of grief
To adjust to a world without the deceased
To find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life
Your current job is to focus your attention on achieving each of those goals. It will not occur in any logical order; each of us is different and the path we walk in the bereavement journey is not a straight one.
Six Signposts Along Your Journey
Dr. Stephen Joseph identifies what he calls six signposts to facilitate posttraumatic growth. He reminds readers too that "posttraumatic growth does not imply the absence of emotional distress and difficulties in living. It does imply that it is possible through the struggle to come out on the other side, stronger and more philosophical about life."
Before identifying these six signposts, Dr. Joseph reminds his readers of three very important things:
You are not on your own
Trauma is a normal and natural process
Growth is a journey
He also provides a fundamental rule: don't do anything you might not be able to handle now. "If you experience intense emotions, become physically upset, or begin to panic...stop." He gently reminds readers that "having a sense of personal control over your recovery is important. There might be some things you do not feel ready to handle now, but in time, as you discover new strength and develop new coping skills, this will likely change."
Sign Post #1: Taking Stock
Are you physically well? Are you getting enough sleep and eating the right foods for optimum health? Have you received the kind of medical, legal, or psychological help you need? What is your current condition: physically, spiritually, and emotionally?
Sign Post #2: Harvesting Hope
People traumatized by loss often feel hopeless. It's hard to get up in the mourning and thinking about the future sparks pessimism and negativity. Find inspiration in the stories of personal growth written by others; set goals and practice hope as you set out to achieve them.
Sign Post #3: Re-Authoring
Learn to tell your story differently. Take the victim mentality out of the story of loss you tell yourself and others and replace it with the word survivor to return to a sense of control over your life.
Sign Post #4: Identifying Change
Keeping a daily diary can help you to see the small changes within more easily. You can also track those moments when you feel at your best and identify the conditions that brought them about. Identify and nurture the positive changes in your life throughout your bereavement journey.
Sign Post #5: Valuing Change
Review these changes, identifying the ones that you'd like to continue to nurture. Personal transformation requires it. Growth is encouraged when we take time to think about what we have gained from loved ones and when we find a way to use what we have learned to give to others.
Sign Post #6: Expressing Change in Action
Express your growth in new behaviors or, more simply, put your growth into action. When you think in terms of concrete actions, it helps make the growth experienced within your bereavement real to you.
"By focusing on these six signposts," writes Dr. Joseph, "you will find that your posttraumatic growth is beginning to take root."
Freud, Sigmund. On the History of the Psycho-Analytic Movement Papers on Metaphyschology and Other Works.
Worden, James. Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner
Fleming, Stephen. The Changing Face of Grief: From 'Going On to 'On-Going''
Joseph, Stephen. What Doesn't Kill Us: the New Psychology of Posttraumatic Growth